Meditation on the mind-body-problem

annapia

annapia(she/they, b. 1991 in Germany) is an educator, literary translator, and writer based in Aachen, Germany. Her poetry and short prose in German have appeared in magazines and anthologies including Mosaik, kranke* lyrik, and kaffeeundkippen. She translates poetry and experimental prose from Norwegian and English into German, and has edited the anthology Ungefähr so. Neue Prosa aus Norwegen (parasitenpresse 2023). Living with multiple chronic diagnoses — including PCOS, osteopenia, depression, anxiety, and mild heart failure — illness has been a recurring presence throughout her life and work.

Meditation on the mind-body problem

Fuck all those who say that I am not my body

I am nothing but my body

I am recurring throat infections

I am recurring yeast infections

I am inflammation markers in my urine

I am my lymph nodes being tender all the time

I am exhaustion leaving me unable to function for days

The doctors prescribe antibiotics and antihistamines & they don’t work

The doctors order blood test after blood test & they yield no results

I am waking up in the middle of the night with a sore stomach

I am waking up in the middle of the night, sweating

I am waking up in the middle of the night after a bad dream

I am waking up in the middle of the night without reason

I am waking up in the morning with heart palpitations

The doctors say it’s all stress-related

The doctors dismiss me when I say that this feels very physical

The doctors prescribe antidepressants, antipsychotics and hypnotics & they make me anxious

I am starting to feel like a hypochondriac

I am so exhausted it’s hard to go to work

I am so exhausted it’s hard to take care of myself

I am so exhausted it’s hard to have a social life

I am trying to see this as a spiritual lesson & meditate my exhaustion away & it doesn’t work

I am feeling like is something genuinely wrong with me

I am moving back home because I need support and affordable health care

I am angry at all doctors, therapists and spiritual guides

I am convinced that no-one is able to help me

I am trying to accept my condition and be at peace with my body

Finally, one doctor with keen ears hears my heart murmur

I am diagnosed with a heart defect and scheduled for surgery

I am scared of getting my hopes up

I am not sure this will resolve my problems

I am getting my hopes up anyways

I am tired of being tired