Amadeus
I am Amadeus. I am eighteen years old. My dream is to be a political journalist. I am not published in any way. I am doing my best.
ARE YOU TIRED?
Yes, I am so incredibly tired.
This last week, I have been woken up what feels like a thousand times by my bladder. It’s not a gentle thing. Not a persistent, though heavy, “hey, hey, how about we go to the bathroom now, girly, and then we can go back to sleep?”
No, it’s a knife shoved into my urethra, and cinder blocks stacked on my pelvis, and everything is on fire. It’s my abdomen clenching and spasming so hard that my whole body rocks with it, and almost tosses me to the floor. It’s feeling like if I don’t jump up right now and race to the toilet, I am going to die, but not being able to because if I move an inch mid-spasm, I am going to piss myself.
It’s clutching my knees flat to my chest, because pressure helps, but oh, no, not like that, and arching my back until I’m scared it will snap as my body tries to escape my body.
When it hurts like that, I can feel it up to my chest. Or maybe that’s just my heart pounding. Oh, shit, did I lose some? Or is that just the gallons of sweat I am pouring?
Does needing to pee ever make you nauseated? Like, oh fuck, I am about to throw up, I need to try and deeply breathe, but I can’t stop the panicked hyperventilating hitches of breath, tiny sips I have to fight for, because my pelvis is revolting against the very notion of oxygen? Because it does that to me, and now I am fighting the violent expulsion of two different bodily fluids.
It’s being jealous of my 14-year-old self, who couldn’t yet handle this level of pain, who couldn’t clench down as hard, and would have had an accident twenty minutes ago. He never knew that pain could make you nauseous, or that it could make your vision go royal blue.
It’s finally, finally, being able to hobble my way to the toilet and expecting a loud, unstoppable rush of relief for all the trouble it caused me, and only getting a small, stuttering, barely there thing. You probably wouldn’t have noticed you needed to go at all.
I might as well have just stayed in bed.
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