Samira Servos
Samira Servos (*1996, Düsseldorf) writes about dirt, shame, fears, obsessions, illness, and class struggle. She likes: vampires and mermaids. She does not like: wage labor. Recent publications in magazines: Und, Literarische Blätter, Hot Topic, Disput, absolutzine Instagram: @literaturkotze
Is it okay to have a body?
It’s okay to have a body, I think.
sometimes (maybe once a year) in summer (twice at most), when the sun has been shining for a while and my head has finally gotten used to it, then I suddenly wake up – and am really awake – and I go outside and drink a cold and colourful drink and think that it should stay that way – until (again) something’s stinging, scratching, pulling, pulsing, pounding inside me and I forget that it was good for just a moment.
Usually I need a break from: Did you drink enough It’s the weather Go get some fresh air Are you getting enough sleep You shouldn’t always stay up all night and sleep the day away You lack routine You need a job You’re doing too much You don’t always have to be productive Why don’t you try yoga You never exercise You are throwing your life away Don’t stress yourself out all the time no wonder you constantly have headaches.
The best thing about sports, says my roommate’s boyfriend, is that you really get to feel your body.
I nod and think that I would rather die
for a day, just stop existing for a week or be air for a year.
My roommate’s boyfriend will soon run a half marathon. I’ll soon have been lying in bed for half a year (but have drunk at least 3 liters of water daily).
It’s 3 a.m. and I am texting with a friend about the fear of everything ending
about dying grandparents writhing in pain
while behind my right ear the migraine begins.
We say goodbye and I watch an HBO documentary about a journalist who returns to her hometown and confronts her grandfather who used to abuse young girls
and I can no longer open my right eye because mint oil has dripped into it.
It’s not okay to have a body, I think
when the sun is shining and burning my eyes. When it’s dark and I get hurt by the headlights of the cars. When I’m a ghost because I took too many pills – dissociating and perhaps never ever coming back. When I’m starving but I can do nothing else but puke and whine. It’s humiliating. Then I wish I could have all my organs taken out and replaced by cold metal.
It is not okay to have a body.
It is degrading.
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