My secret home

Tuuli Metsärinne

I am an artist working at the crossroads of visibility and invisibility. I explore what it means to feel invisible, or to yearn to not be perceived. In my work I use textiles, stories and light to bring my subjects to life. I hide what is seen, to bring out what is hidden. What can’t be held fascinates me, and I want to create objects that carry intergenerational emotion. That abstract gut feeling between a person and their roots, I aspire to sculpt with it, weave from its fibers. That is so the feeling can become something visible, an ordinary object.

My secret home

When I was a child, I put all of my dreams into my vagina. I put them there, one by one, like blueberries, animal figures, or freshwater pearls. I placed them very carefully, one after another. First, the dearest of secrets,

I want to be a singer! An actor!

then came the quieter wishes. I whispered them to myself, with my eyes pinched shut

I wish to be loved, held, carried to my bed.

There I had my dreams, in my vagina. It was the safest spot I could ever think of.

When I was growing up, I found shame growing, towards that very thing there, between my right and left thigh. It had suddenly become a tool, an offering I should give away to anyone who asks. It became so visible even though it used to be only for me, it was my home, my secret garden of dreams.

So I started to forget each dream, one by one. Shame started to overrun my body, staining my skin, slowly spreading

from my toes, day by day, it got more near to my dreams, my secrets.

It didn’t take long when I found myself stained from head to toe. Shame had replaced each dream, each quiet wish, each secret wonder. I became so preoccupied with disgust, I couldn’t carry the weight of both.

Then each dream started to fade, melt inside me to an unrecognizable smear. Each beautiful pearl, the most precious treasures, I had lost somewhere inside me.

As I forgot my dreams, the weight of my stained limbs grew heavier and heavier. I couldn’t carry my body anymore. I had to build a carriage with wheels, so I could drag it along with me. Until one day, the weight had grown so great, my carriage collapsed. All of the shame was spilled to the ground. It was bubbling, sizzling, burning grass and rocks too. It was all completely spoiled.

And suddenly, I felt lighter.