To be held

Z Panayi (he/they)

Z Panayi (/queerbbby) is an actor, queer educator, and chronically sick writer who uses poetry to give space to his inner world that has fewer outlets since his illness has pruned his capacity for other artistic expressions. Through sick circumstances, Z has had to make space for new themes in their life- their poetry explores grief and becoming -often through nature’s imagery-, trans joy & community, and the intricacies of connection. “The wrenching parts of me that lie awake when everyone else sleeps are the same parts that write their heart out, wrapped in the comfort of night’s silence, giving the small voices of discomfort a space to breathe, become, and transform.”

To be held

so sick of being sick- I

want to exist in a reality

where my body is not just

a place to grieve.

return it to a place

of joy and pleasure.
sow the seeds of rest

to plant the seeds of desire.

let my body become brittle
to be held; hold myself

against the currents of the flare.

feel another kind of flare

kindle warmth.

breath.

in. out. in. out. in. out.
i warm myself by the fire
of longing of belonging.

it won’t be this cold forever.

the grief will sink
into the soil.

the sun will warm
the ground again.