I’m a mixed episodes girl

Vanessa Pham

I’m Vanessa, 26 years old, and I like to call myself the “three bi’s”: bisexual, biracial, and bipolar. I’m a community organizer for Asians in and around Heidelberg, and I lead anti-racism workshops as well as awareness sessions. Mental health topics have always been important to me, as I have been misdiagnosed in the past. It’s important for me to stand up against stigma, especially for people who have experienced psychosis. It’s one of those neurodivergences that aren’t considered “fun,” and in my experience, most people wouldn’t want to identify with it. Poetry holds an important place in my heart, as it helps me process my mixed-up feelings. My wish for those listening to me is to expand their horizons and open their ears and hearts to the topics I’m addressing.

I’m a mixed episodes girl

I’m a mixed girl
Mixed episodes
Mixed feelings
Mixed faces

From one pole to another
The hardest fight are sometimes my feelings
From being one to being the “other”
The hardest struggle is sometimes my own being

I will forget to eat
I will forget to sleep
I will forget my fears
Until I will weep my tears

Will people understand me?
What it means to be dependent on medicine
Will they understand me?
When pharmacies don’t have my pill
Will I be understood?
When madness comes like an uninvited guest

It is my hardest quest
to open my soft heart
and not be its best guard

When they speak about neurodivergence
Do they mean me?
Or am I too divergent to be included in your fight to be free
And I’m telling you
All I want is to be seen
All I want is to be someone they mean
When they talk about liberation
I want to be part of it, I’m keen
To be proud to be different

But will you be my friend?
When my episodes end?
Will you be my friend,
When my illness is not yet a trend
Will we be friends
When it’s a smile you must lend

I know my madness is a stranger to you
But I will no longer be a stranger to myself
I will be free
I will be me
I will find a way to see open doors and sunny sets between my bipolar depths
I’m a mixed episodes girl and
I will be