Cassidy Rose
Cassidy Rose, formerly known as Scarlett Mueller, is a nonbinary transfeminine butch, an anarchist seeker, an eclectic pagan, a believer in mutual aid, community, and kinship, an intersectional feminist, writer, dreamer, lover, and activist. She grew up a scared boy and came to be an anxious woman before embracing butchness boldly. She has been self-awarely walking the line between periodic emotional crises, attachment trauma, disability, and the ever-recurring hope and faith in better worlds since age 16. She is perpetually caught between the symptoms of various conditions.
The psych says
Write down good things in your life
to remember them when all comes crashing down
I tell her that I’ve done that
I tell her I’ve been doing that
I tell her I’ve been going to my therapist for nearly 7 years and it has helped a lot
but I still have these episodes where all the good things fade away
where all the plenty reasons I have that make me want to be alive
fade out like background chatter when I am overwhelmed
where all the places I would want to go
where all the things I want to do
where kissing you and kissing them
where much loved friends and much loved bands
where all community I’ve found
where all that I believe in
where everything I want to be
where all the things I want to see
just blur into an unkempt mess
much like my hair when I’m depressed
and I can’t think of anything
but all the reasons that I’ve hurt
and all the people that have left
and all the terror in this world
and all the bad, the gross and bold
and everything I cannot stand
is all that I can see
and feels like all there’ll ever be
and I feel so bereft of hope
and like I’m never growing old
like I have felt since age sixteen
like all the good things have just been
like all the good things went away
and I’m not too afraid to say
that I don’t want to go and I don’t want to stay
The psych says
write down good things in your life
I tell her I’ve been doing that
and that I never stop, that all this poetry is all I’ve got
she says that I’m refusing help
and in a month there’ll be a different psych because she’s quitting
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